Stress and Anxiety, a topic that has become very popular over the years because there are so many of us experiencing it.
I have what the medical field terms as Panic and Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Dis-ease (PTSD). I experienced my first Panic Attack when I was 15 years old in a bar. I was given a joint that was laced with something that disrupted my nervous system so severely that I was held down inside a window that night that I wanted to jump out of. I have continued over the years to experience panic and anxiety attacks they seem to come out of nowhere. Heart palpitations, severe sweating, a fear so profoundly terrorizing that I cannot stand being in my body, brain fog and forgetfulness, a discomfort in my head and this extreme terror in my heart, throat and upper back and shoulders and more but I just wanted to give you an idea of some symptoms I experience.
I share my story today because I am learning so much about this beautiful message from the soul, body, mind and emotions. One of the lessons I want to share this morning is an awareness I have been having and is now becoming so clear to its teachings that I must impart knowing that it will influence others and support their own clarity.
I reached out yesterday to two of my favourite soulful, spirit warriors, Bliss Prema and Seamus Russell whom are also sharing as beloveds to one another. These two I trust implicitly to hold a space of mutual truth, unbiased, one based on my accountability, responsibility and creation of it. My work is of the highest radical and authentic nature. They too have this standard so I knew they were the only mirror I would go to in this kind of awakening and remembering of my true divine nature.
What I know is that through my journey here in this lifetime I have chosen to be the master of victimhood. In my story I created to be extremely and violently abused, raped, tortured and almost killed by the hands of another. I truly became the master of this personal tale. It’s been over 17 years now since my devotion to becoming addiction free, I walked through the lived addictive reality of drugs, alcohol and sex. I have looked deeply into my psyche, limited thought patterns and beliefs, changed my language to serve a higher more loving frequency, integrated positive thoughts and affirmations in my daily life, incorporated shamanic teachings and practices, have and had many holistic treatments, learned how to give myself my own treatments and came through agoraphobia. I have claimed my true purpose in this life as a Medicine Woman and created my vision of The Dharmacy.
What I am working through right now is an awareness to which I scan my environment, namely my lover for traits of what I call the wounded masculine to bring to the surface my wounded feminine victim. I am aware that I harbour both of these in my body and mind. I am also mindful that the damaged masculine I seek outside myself lives within me. In the tormented aspect of my psyche I believe that he is a drunk, an addict, incapable, unable to master and move through his emotions in a positive way, paralyzed when faced with controversy and conflict of his scarring, angry, enraged and often becomes violent with his incapacity to manage his emotional realm and lustful in his desire for sexual soothing for his suffering. WOW that is quite a mouthful! These aspects that I am harbouring around the masculine cannot help but to show up outside of myself in another. Even if he is not this, he will appear as this. As this is what I am holding to be a truth in this field of the wounding.
In this tangible, five senses reality I am destined to inhabit what I am thinking and believing in this practical lived existence. My life is the stage, the people around my actors for the masterpiece I have written, the language my script, my actions the performance. I have taken full accountability and responsibility that I create all of my living reality whether understood as good or bad. And in so doing I change my own thoughts and beliefs, supporting a shift in the script I have written and story I have lived and live.
Just this morning I awoke in anxiety, stepping into the stillness and quiet of my inner sanctuary I scan my entire body and mind for the source. I find it, it is that I am thinking thoughts that the masculine is dangerous, he partakes in behaviours and choices that my wounding deems unsafe, I feel myself being caged in, trapped with a threatening person and in this it will eventually take my life or squeeze the life out of me making me sick and weak. I understand now that I have completely created this reality, this belief and I must un-create it and place another inspiring, lifting and nourishing story in its place. I begin the work on this replacement. My story now says this, “I only see the divine in him, he possesses love and compassion in his heart for me always, he walks his talk, respecting all life and himself in the highest of ways, he honours and respects his body fueling it with only high frequency thoughts and nourishment.” So I now replace the seeking for the damaged masculine with embodying the divine masculine I described above. And to take this even further I realize that by labelling it masculine it is also limiting and now the new story describes this “I only see the divine, I possesses love and compassion in my heart for me always, I walk my talk, respecting all life and myself in the highest of ways, I honour and respects my body fueling it with only high frequency thoughts and nourishment.” And now one more level of awareness, “I am the divine, I am love and compassion, I am my talk, I am all life in the highest of ways, I am honour and respect, I am fueled with only high frequency thoughts and nourishment, I am.”
So I end this sharing with my blessings and gratitude for my lover, my dear spirit warriors, Seamus and Bliss and for myself. I am the creator, mighty and powerful.