As I enter into my 648th moon cycle on Gaia I receive more clarity than ever before. I am open and receptive to the one wisdom which comes from a wise and seasoned voice within. And I am also living a human experience which can be messy, unclear at times, confusing and challenging.
There is a great big lie that we have all lived and some continue to live it around our sexual energy. Lets look first at what is sexual energy in our wounded story? This energy has become part of an egoic desire and need based only on one persons’ distorted feelings and needing of it! And the flip side to that is the one who doesnt know their own sexual energy and has learned to serve the others desires and needs because they are still playing out being powerless. Both highly unconscious, selfish and projectional. I am going to share a bit about my personal story with sexuality in the hopes this will resonate with many.
As a young, highly impressionable and influenced young girl I learned early that men’s sexual desires trumped my own feelings and needs. Not given the chance to develop my own sensual energy in a nourishing, wholesome and equal way my sexual desires became tainted. I did not have healthy sexual teachers nor parents that took the lead to explain regular intimate desires through puberty. And long before puberty this little girl was already infected by men who were perverted sexually.
Once a trauma has occurred and isnt handled right the damage that spreads and continues changes ones life forever and it did. I was a highly sexually driven being even in childhood. I was shamed in puberty which also didnt help with my already distorted views. I met a boy at the age of 14 and “lost my virginity.” Even the term is a tall tale to our highly dysfunctional society in sexuality. “Losing my virginity” what a way to describe what is one of the most sacred unions between human beings. Even as I write this I am disgusted by the wounded masculine who literally stole my innocents away with his own selfish sexual desires! Hatred rises, absolute disgust, betrayal and an overall sick feeling fills me up as anxiety fills me. I allow this in this moment, not trying to stop it and holding it in love without projection onto another living being. I have learned to hold my feelings with me, these are not for another human being. This is the exhaust of sexual trauma, feelings that seem to arise from nowhere and if I was still living from this wound I would project them out onto others. And I am not, I have got me, I hold myself in love when the trauma breaks free from deep within.
And it didnt stop there the unconscious, fetid, selfish acts imposed upon this deeply wounded girl. I left home to live with my first boyfriend who I lost my virginity with. Because I didnt have a solid loving base to branch out into the world with of course I moved in with a monster. This boyfriend beat me, raped me, emotionally stripped me and sodomized me for 8 years until my escape. And even after that he got a hold of me for one final hoorah. This was only the beginning of a life lived through a fleshly corrupted story. I met man after man who reassured my childhood violations of the impaired masculines lusting appetite for self pleasure and I the willing servant. There is shame for sure and also a big dose of rage. How did I let this go on? Why did I do this all that time? How did these men find me? All exceptional questions which I spent years delving into and dissecting.
What I have come to realize is this; I was shaped as a young girl with the countless violations, not being believed and it being swept under the rug. This formed a very believable story that I was a servant to mens lusting, perverted sexual desires. Without being supported through these life traumas they just grew in size to a massive wound of unquenchable thirst. I became someone who had to protect herself from men and then became the lusting sexually projecting man who would dictate and control all sexual encounters. I would find out what level of sexual experiences they had, dive deeply into their fantasies and then live them out with them where they became dependant and needy for me. This was my trickster archetype which fooled me into feeling like they could not over power me sexually. I was now the dominate one except when I met men who could override my manipulations and I became dependent in a weird enabling way with them. For example some men had money and I needed what I felt the money would give me more than the belittling sex slave I became with them. It was disgusting, horrible, degrading and so messed up! And I was emersed in the life without any separation from this wounded little girl, the protector, the sex manipulator, the conqueror and victim. Playing it all out in real time and all the while met a gentle man inbetween, I made a baby in love, had her and deepened in the darkness after 3 years of trying to play out a normal life. The pain body called and I answered.
I dove deeper than I had ever before after my daughter was born. I did everything one could think of sexually and more. Self degrading acts of my protector, all the while wearing my victim out on my sleeve, diving deep into the underbelly of the beast of crack cocaine, alcohol, ecstacy, uppers, downers and even heroine. And at every party there was sex, disgusting, wounded, leaky, needy, kinky sex!!! A tribe of sexually diseased tortured humans all gathering like leaches to suck the blood from each other desperate to feel loved, powerful, in control and where no one could sexually molest me again. WRONG!!! It was a vast caldron of disfunction, creating more unsafe patterns, integrating that no one could truly love, an unquenchable thirst of denial, unworthiness and “I am not loveable.”
I did make it out alive, scarred, bruised, hopeless, helpless, with severe damage and an appetite to live a better life!
I spent the last 19 years remembering who I really am. Plunging into the depths of my scared little person, sitting with her, uncovering her, building trust and then it began to appear. The sacred union of the soul, the self, all!!! I began spiritual practices to facilitate the sacred union within through igniting my life force energy, using it to move around my body, transform blocked energies, clearing, cleaning and purifying. Arriving on my 636th moon cycle a free being, one who no longer felt the need for a wounded man or the need to play out a wounded relationship through unsafe sex. I actualize love, I am in love and my body is a sacred temple of worship. Only those that mirror my loving presence have a key to enter my godly womb.
I continue the work of the Priestess of the Sacred Union everyday of my life and beyond.