Hopeless helpless abandonment, thank you Corona Virus!

Corona Virus, bless you and thank you!!! I give great gratitude for the immense teachings.

I have lived these last 10 days or so with the virus creeping into my consciousness when it wasnt even a thought in my mind 2 weeks ago. I feel the collective terror, fear and worry as I live in my 28ft 5th wheel on acreage completely closed off from any real threat. I began feeling this buzz of fear, I have nothing to fear, then worry, I have nothing to worry and then terror, there is no reason for me to feel terror just recently. I have known for many years that I am an Empath and feel collective consciousness as if it is my own. And also in the feeling of this collective experience anything that belongs to me light is shed on it. And there it was hiding in the farthest corner of my vessel the abandonment. The part in me who was left, no food and no way to get it, no access to water, no adults to tend or care for me, just this young energy who was abandoned with no options, no choices, nothing except itself and the story of how would I survive?!!! This raw wound of absolute helpless hopelessness. I have always steered away from it, diverting to something positive, an action of creation to take my mind away from it, unconscious choices in addiction fueling it, self degradation, and as of late, crocheting!!! Alone, in the dark, my window open, cold breeze brushing over me, silence and stillness so thick, I could not turn my tv on as it feel like an assault nor could I pick up my phone the light from it cut my skin. Only one place left to go and that was inward with it!!! I came face to face with the most helpless and hopeless energy, my body trembling in terror, my heart racing, my blood all in my extremities as fight or flight was in full bloom! I could feel my immunity falling,  my skin breaking out! I layed there with myself, tightly gripped, rocking, with no answers, no solutions and no distractions. Upfront, no walls or borders just me and this little girl who didn’t get to choose. Another imposed upon her which changed her life forever anchoring in that others could take her life away, change it forever and she didn’t have choice! Stuck with this life that she didnt approve, stolen and ripped from her hands now raw, bleeding and in immense pain. They did heal but scarred for life, the weight of another’s imposition shackled her. I sat with all that for hours last night with the helplessness. There are no answers or solutions, it can’t be changed, it happened and there is only to maybe eventually one day find peace in hopeless and helpless abandonment.

I awake this morning with a peace, my ego scans its environment to disrupt, it is having a hard time grabbing anything.  I know from experience that the more I sit with these perceived paralyzing wounds from my past and simply be with them without trying to change it just facing it the charge lessons, the fear unhooks and the terror has nothing to attach to.

I am in deep gratitude, thank you corona for this immense journey to explore another part of my psyche that I had not been loving!!!

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