I write this apology today knowing it is one of the steps to changing the world as I know it. What is it that I am sorry for and wish I could go back and change?
First, that I abandoned my daughter and her Dad, my sweet innocent baby girl. I left to party, to drink myself away, to abandon my immense pain and suffering from my own childhood and so unaware I was operating from my pain body! To have had what it took to stay, figure it out and raise my daughter in the way I would have liked to.
Second, I am sorry for all the unconscious acts I created and participated in with respect to waste, garbage, consuming and overconsumption.
Third, I am so sorry for not being awake sooner to stop living in such a greedy obnoxious all consuming way!!!
I am so sorry for all the lives that I hurt directly or indirectly with my lack of integrity and unconscious behaviours.
I am so sorry for not paying attention to life, for wasting it away.
I own my part in all of lifes calamities and feel immense grief that I didnt wake up sooner!!!
And now I am face to face with my actions and non actions of ignorance, facing a pandemic crisis, unable to work in this system, without precedent of how to do life, unable to rent or buy a home in this market and living in a 5th wheel trailer at 53 years.
And through all of this I have always had a guiding light from God. A voice instructing me to find a better way of life even in the darkest moments I lay on the carpet so high from crack, not knowing I would live through it. And here I am, going on 19 years sober and clean, completely transformed from being an addict, recovered from such immense abuse and suffering to living on a farm, eating home grown food, living with nature everyday and just simply grateful to be here!
I know we have to make massive changes if we want our grandchildren to have their own children and a place for them to live. We are at the critical moment where as we have known it WE MUST MAKE DRASTIC CHANGES IN OUR INDIVIDUAL AND IN OUR COLLECTIVE EXISTENSE.
I HAVE SOME IDEAS as to the changes that could begin to occur in each of our lives. Please watch for my next blog on this. It will be called, Change is among us!
Through this apology I believe this is a major step for me in my MASSIVE CHANGE OF LIFE I must embark on. I feel deep remorse, grief and immense sadness for how unconscious and asleep I was. I cannot change that now but by publically apologizing I can claim my ownership in my part in the world as it is and I can move forward in making the changes that are needed.
Thank you to all who read this, whether you accept my apology or not I have publically owned my part in this pandemic, racist, child molesting, raping, war of a life I live in. I AM SO SORRY FOR MY PART!!!