A Deeper Why?

I wrote a blog called Why and expressed a part of my journey as to how I came into, what has moved me and what is a part of my lived life of why am I living in a 28ft 5th wheel trailer on a farm? I thought I had covered it all and a very dear friend wrote this to me,

“Hi ✨ I hope your moving through whatever it is your experiencing.

I also read, ‘Why?’ …
I’m grateful to learn more about you and I was left wondering, if you might ever go deeper with this?

Now that you have this one layer written… if you might further explain the even deeper ‘Why?’

For the average reader there’s a question that doesn’t transmute … something more about the freedom and liberties that might be acquired or accounted for — full ownership of ones life while choosing to live with a lesser footprint — what this really means… and what is found from this place?

❤️.”

I have sat with this for a number of weeks letting it squeeze through me to see what or if there is a “deeper Why?” I know there is and I think at times my depth is safer with just me as its reader. And then I get someone who pulls at this and it inspires a sharing that I can only hope will move others.

All the tangible sustainable reasons of Why I have shared but what of the vast underworld of my feelings, emotions, knowings and ancient wisdom? I believe this is what my Sister is calling out of me!

There had been this steady decline in my health and I mean my physical body. There had also been this dark matter (not physical or seen with the visual eyes) cloaked over me getting darker and thicker as time passed. I felt as though I was dying, my physical body and my Spirit, dwindling away, disappearing, evaporating! Living in what I had experienced as apocalyptic times, developments literally surrounding where I lived. No true community yet living in an apartment building of 12 and another one of 8 on the same property. Everyone sticking to themselves, working daily or retired but no one wanting to get together, team up, support each other daily in life, grow food together, share meals on a regular basis or even ask if you needed anything. Just complaints of talking to loud while I gardened and had the very odd conversation. Every man, woman and child for themself. All the while an onslaught of excruciating noise from large machinery and tools squealing all day every day with rock concert boom boxes playing heavy metal music from the construction workers! Hell, yet the potential of community, yet no one wanted it or they were all just so enslaved, afraid and too programmed to not trust people! All of us just eeking out survival, barely surviving infact not living at all in a thriving metropolis.

My health plummeted when I moved into a mould infested apartment, I feel I barely moved out of there alive. But I was alive, just moved next door. I had gardens however there was this deadness there yet the apocalyptic developments brought life however it was like a war zone for me. My gardens ruined with a thick coating of toxicities from the construction all around. Unable to eat any of my food I planted. It was as though we were already in a lock down, everyone scuttling about to just get what they needed to survive the attacks daily. And then my grandson arrived into this world! What an absolute gift, a blessing of the highest order and a possibility of change.

I knew with the owner selling the back property and then both apartment buildings, the one I lived in too that I had to create a massive change in my life. Feeling so rundown, defeated, spiritless and hopeless however a deep knowing I had to get out of the matrix and I couldnt afford another 1 bedroom apartment in the town or nearby city I lived. I constantly thought of what my options might be. I didnt have much money or access to more and so buying something wasn’t an option in the regular way so I had to get creative. I found a guy possibly willing to move into my apartment who was living in a motorhome who wanted to sell it. We would do a trade, he would move into my apartment which was worth $1100/month. I would continue paying my rent and the remaining balance of $450/month would be applied to buying his motorhome until it was paid off. It was a real potential possibility until the manager of the building said there was no subletting allowed. Gone, exploded into thin air was my way out, back to the drawing board. I had prior to that August, 2019 asked the prior owner of my apartment building if he would be willing to sell his 5th wheel, he declined. However that August he came to me asked if I was still interested I immediately said yes! And so began that journey. We agreed to 10 months of payments to pay it off starting October 1, 2019. This did not leave any funds for paying rent! So I went on my way, renovated the trailer so I could live in it, saved up and bought a $1700 composting toilet, and wrote up an ad for a trade for rent for what I had in abundance, my services, gardening etc. I received harsh messages from the public with respect to this ask. People who didnt even know me calling me a user, mistaking me for other people who had taken others for granted, publically lynching me!!! It was a hard time and my hope was slipping away fast. I was also running out of time to find a home for my trailer and me. I did run out of time, became homeless, had to park my trailer in a storage compound and hit the road in my smart car. Luckily some different friends took me in at different times and I spent some time in my trailer at the compound. Until one day a property became available it seemed it could work. And it did for 5 months then I had to move on as I was not thriving there. Now on a 5 acre farm nestling in, setting up my infrastructure, building relationships I find myself finally able to settle and feel safe.

Now onto the deeper aspects of why I am where I am. I knew for a very long time life as I knew it was so wrong and steadily moving in the wrong direction and I moving along with it. Not really knowing what else I could do, where else I could live, how else my life could look! Just obliging life as I had been taught it. Living life, working to survive, barely paying for my necessities, hating my jobs, feeling like I was suffocated to death, tied down, my feral wild child conditioned, programmed to obey, be quiet, do as the man wants and needs, be his sexual slave and outlet for his pleasure and shut up and do as I say otherwise I am beaten into submission. Everyone following along in this catastrophic apocalyptic war zone of a life. Never getting to be me, wild, feral, uninhibited, true to myself, aligned to my purpose and passion, just a zombie, controlled and programmed from a child. Yet I found alcohol and drugs this was my outlet, my escape from this prison called life. Here I was wild, uninhibited, feral, just did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My alcohol and drugs were my companion, my best friend! But not a sustainable or healthy one! I plummeted into the darkness of severe addictions for many years (read my ‘About me’ from my menu.) finally quitting 20 years ago now. I was a lost soul, a woman with no culture, family, traditions, focus, passion or purpose. Wandering aimlessly, confused and terrified all the time. I spent the first 5 years out of addictions working through severe panic, anxiety and terror attacks, 2 years of those I couldn’t leave my home (agoraphobia). I had no idea why I was experiencing any of this I was just caught in it, a victim to this life. Until oneday things began to shift, I had changed my diet to a healthier way, veggies, fruits, gluten free and stopped eating meat. I was beginning to remember a spiritual side: Chakras, Crystal’s, Shamanic teachings, Buddhism, the Kabal, the Tao and the Iching were a few ancient teachings that showed up. I started dreaming, remembering other worlds, lifetimes and teachings. I was visited many many times by a mystical energy that was purifying and cleansing my body. I attended Shamanic courses, had holistic treatments of all kinds every week, did colonics and bought my own colema board to do my own deep cleansing. I was beginning to find myself. And what does that actually even mean? I was finding a sense of peace in moments where there was only terror before. I had uncovered some very disturbing news of my history of sexual trauma in my early days. I had also lived a horrific abused life with my first real boyfriend. Eight years of hell; beatings, mental & physical torture, no escape or so I believed until one day I did escape to Vancouver! I was realizing and understanding that I had trauma that had been trapped within me for all those years. I also realized I was a slave, my life had no meaning, direction or purpose. I had lost my natural connection to nature. I began having dreams even while awake of alchemy and the witch hunts. I remembered many past lives of my concubine days, sexual slavery and prostitution. My lost witch burned at the stake! Past lives of a little girl, her mother dying suddenly, her father riddled with grief leaving her, abandoning her at a train station, crushed and destroyed she wandered the streets for years until she fell very ill, dying on the cobblestone streets a woman of power had her servant pick her up and bring her home. She was nursed back to life, all the while listening to the violin playing in the room beside. It was her savour, her heart strengthening as this music penetrated her. She had a beautiful life under this womans care until her early death in her 20’s, dying of a broken heart. All of this flooded through me, year after year more information, more remembering! I began uncovering my deep rich celtic roots. The magical, delightful, loving healer, the witch within. My alchemist, shaman and medicine woman. I am so much more than this body, this flesh and this brain. I was remembering my God consciousness, my mighty I am Presence, Christ consciousness. And through all this rich internal travel I awoke and realized my living environment did not reflect who I am. I had to remove myself from the matrix which was this illusion to who I am. Clouding and covering up all this immense discoveries of the vastness and endless energy force of me!!! The now screaming voice within demanding I get back with nature, back to my native roots of alchemy and medicine. Grow food, herbs and medicinal plants it yelled from deep within. Make art, potions, lotions, tinctures and decoctions!!! So I did. Left everything in that world of illusion. Selling 98% of what I owned to move into a 28ft 5th wheel trailer with no land insight! Now, here I am, a 5 acre farm, beautiful family that lives here, farm animals and lush beautiful gardens. As soon as I arrived the visions began of my food and medicine gardens. Setting up my infrastructure: composting, water, grey water and waste. Beautifying and aligning to my outside environment was my call.

And now I sit embodied in my whole self, aligned internally and now to my outside environment. I will not be silenced, hidden or locked down! I scream and howl at the full moon. I charge my Crystal’s by the moon light. I speak my truth no matter who is there. My scars in the flesh are radiant gifts of my enormous heart and love for the human path of transformation. I am wild, feral, a witch of ancient times and living now! I make herbal medicine, wield magic and love ferociously!!! I am empowered and know of my lineage, my culture and my traditions. I live honestly and radically authentic each day. I feel my emotions giving them vast space to stretch and contract. I harness my power and direct it to supporting, helping and loving those that reach me. I am a wild witch, shaman and medicine woman in human form and in spirit. I live on in all lifetimes, here and in between worlds and existence. I root my soul in the earth and nature, she is my guru, my teacher and my lover. I only abide by her rules, she is honesty incarnated. She is my wisdom, master and tribe. I am!!!

My friend provoked this writing by simply caring and taking a moment to ask for a deeper answer and layer to the ‘Why?’ blog. I hope I have saturated and over filled her ask. Thank you beauty, thank you Carrie Dymond for always inspiring and demanding my true essence of love to be present and share in all our exchanges. I love you!

To add to this rich experiential life that is mine, I sent my dear friend Carrie this blog post in hope to quench her desire for a deeper why and here is what she replied after reading it!

‘Sitting on a ferry, traveling to Vancouver as your deeper, ‘WHY?’ came rushing in. I’m so grateful that I asked, and equal in measure for your response.

The technical aspects were my take aways from your earlier writing and this latest excavation takes me further into the possibilities, what can be found, and uncovered, not only in the idea of the outside physical, but for me, even more intimately, what can been cultivated from within.

Knowing that the long distance runner runs, while undoubtedly clocking their miles and lends to, what might begin to transform deep within the psyche that can only be touched through the felt sense experience.

Your words here take us through and into what IS beyond. The truth of what will be attained. An inspired anthem! that whatever it is that we seek, begins with the first step and that if we stay true to the course, the reclaimation of self prevails!

Reading the language of your experience builds possibility and the mere idea is bound by an attainable truth. This evokes a fire, sparks the fire and with personal dedication to self, creates the majestic blazing fire that awaits us all. To the ones that choose to simply ask and here lies the invitation to not only understand the ‘Why’ but inspires the unspoken question of, Why not!

Thank you Dana Lynn ❤️’

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