My anxiety has been at an all time high these past 6 nights. Unable to sleep through the night, awakened at midnight, then 2 am, maybe 3 am if I am lucky, now awake for the day! I find myself awake at 3am this morning feeling unsettled and anxious. I decide to write in hopes it will help me feel better.
I have been diving very deeply into core childhood trauma. My adoption and my biological parents came through the last deep dive journey. I tapped into an extreme hatred and rage for them around their “mistake” of having sex, the sex that created me! A real living being was created through their unconscious and selfish act of a one night stand. And how they could simply toss me aside, a human being, an innocent child because they were so selfish and couldn’t bare to care for me. What a society I live in, an unconscious, self serving act of a wounded desire creates a child that becomes like a piece of used clothing that you just give away to anyone that wants it. No feelings or thought about how important it is to have kept me with my own blood. That not being with my blood tribe created such a vast emptiness in me that could never be filled. Not even allowing me to lay with my mother after I was born created a life long anxiety that I was never safe here and I would always be taken from what was home! I discovered that I never had a foundation to step into the world with because of these selfish humans and their lust and desire of the flesh. I am holding this little tiny human that feels all of this. I had no idea I was harboring all of this rage, pain, disposable energy around my biological parents. And how sickened I am by unconscious sexual activity and where that stemmed from. I think we have no idea as humans what it truly means to come together in our bodies intimately in that way. I feel we have destroyed this sacred union and act through unconscious unchecked wounding and trauma. Sexuality is sacred. Sharing my body and allowing a man to enter inside me is the highest of rituals we have between us. To treat this any other way is selfish and we don’t understand the pain and suffering it can cause in a child that is created through this and then given up for adoption. My pain that I tapped into while processing this yesterday was so immense it felt like my heart would stop because the grief was so thick and heavy. I kept on expressing my pain to my biological parents, the things that came out of my mouth I had no idea I was holding this.
I also discovered how the victim was created and born within and how it became this huge culdron that was filled everytime an older human imposed their sickness and wounding on me! I will talk more of my victim in an upcoming blog called “Dying to Live Victim.”
By the end of this process I felt so exhausted and there was also some insights lingering that felt inspiring. I knew that over time integration would naturally happen from this process. And the insights would lead to deeper and clearer understandings which in the end would create more peace for me.
This deep dive journeying is very difficult work and I see why we have a society hooked on prescription meds to keep us away from this. Alcohol and drugs that also distract from hitting these deeper places and addictive tendencies in other areas such as workaholics because all of this is the ego’s job to keep you away from this stuff. As long as we stay away from that which has harmed us we remain a society that lives in fear and terror of an unknown thing outside of our self and we can be managed and handled like slaves. But if we can muster the courage to make these deep dives in safe environments that can hold us then we have an excellent chance of coming through this and thriving as human beings!