This is a very sensitive area. Victim, what is this actually? Well in the deep dive journeying work I have come to realize my “victim” is a main player. This victim has become its own character, fully realized, living through me and in the driver’s seat at the moment. Through this work I am becoming very familiar with its traits. It is a scraggly, hunched over, toothless, homeless, sorrowful, life sucking character. It is pitiful, depressed, self loathing and selfish. It only sees the negative and darkness. It is all consuming and is making me sick! Literally it is a cause of the tumor in my breast I know this now! It has me captive, holding me hostage with no ransom. It is miserable and all consumed in everyone who has done it wrong! It is relentless at keeping me stuck in a darkness that feels impenetrable. The anxiety is all part of its take-over as long as I am panicked it has power. I have come to realize a part of me is terrified of its power and strong presence in me. I feel powerless to it and at the same time realize that this is the victim.
I did a deep dive yesterday with respect to my adoption and biological parents discovering the creation of the victim. I came to realize that with all the atrocities as a child I created this big cauldron like pot and everytime I was violated I through the energy of powerlessness into it. All those times I was abused, not believed, denied my very existence and violated this all had to go somewhere as it wasn’t being processed. The body is like a filing system it just keeps putting things away to make sure I can keep going. However if those old files aren’t kept updated and cleared then it becomes very messy, disorganized and too much. Because this victim was never addressed it continued under my nose filling up the cauldron. I did not know that this would become a living monster under my bed and completely take over, consume me and create dis-ease in my body.
In my process yesterday I had an insight that the cauldron was created to save me. That the victim was actually something that took all the abuse and held it over all these years. At first I had hatred for this vile character, no love or acknowledgement of good in any way. Then I began to find an understanding of its purpose and job that it did for me all these years. In essence it saved me and allowed me to survive all this time. And now I am realizing it needs to be seen fully and acknowledged for all its hard work! I am just beginning to sort through all these files, this cauldron which is the victim and its true purpose. And also realizing that all these years unchecked it has wreaked havoc on my internal landscape even though health and wellness were my main objective. I am dealing with this discovery and the potential negative talk of failure to myself for not being onto this before its destructive ways had manifested! I am holding all of this as tenderly as I am able. Delicately sorting and unraveling this system that has on one level saved me and another harmed me! It is a living dichotomy finding love for something that had no other way to save me yet in the end has brought a potentially fatal dis-ease! What I know is that this a journey and I can only address one thing at a time, work through it as loving and caring as I possibly can. My hope is to unravel and clear my internal filing system out so that I may enjoy life into my golden years. And if that is not my destiny then at least I have begun the process for my next go around in this life!