I find myself coming into a place of being with what is! What does that mean? To me it means simply being present to what I feel, not think! Remaining attuned to my nervous system with respect to my environment and relationships. Holding my shape as often as I can while engaging with others. If I become anxious, nervous or feel chaotic I pull out my toolkit as quickly as possible and begin grounding myself. Another area I am working very hard in is I am no longer fighting or trying to beat cancer! What? Yes, I am realizing that as long as I was coming from this place of fighting, trying to remove and/or beat this I was coming from a place of fear. Fear motivation isn’t the place I am wanting to work from! What feels uplifting and inspiring, calming and motivational in my body? What creates ease and flow? These are the questions and places I am creating from.
This diagnosis when it came created a massive flux of fear and terror which I believe that this its design. Once fear was imposed I made irrational decisions that are grasping at fixing the fear which has been instilled to sell the cancer industry, BIG BUSINESS! As long as everyone in the industry that makes money from the “sick” can keep fear instilled, I will buy products and treatments because I am terrified that if I don’t I will die.
What if getting this diagnosis was perfect and wasn’t a bad or negative happening? How is getting a “you are going to die in 3 months” diagnosis perfect and a gift, you ask! Great question! I ask, how is being terrified of what is happening inside my body that it is going to kill me a healing direction? This is something I have spent the last 5 months deep inside contemplating and unravelling. I do not proclaim to know how to do this, cure cancer, fix it or get rid of it. However what is happening for me is longer states of peace, an ability to sit with the really tough days and moments better, holding myself in a loving embrace as I move in and out of fear and terror and I have become stronger and able to do more since being pretty debilitated. I am finding a friend and teacher in death. Its lessons are the toughest I have experienced and I am beginning to see how it is the key that is unlocking my life long shackles. In all of it freedom is knocking and exposing itself amongst the despair, grief and sorrow. Amongst the anger, resentment, hostility and why me conversations I am becoming more settled and peaceful. I am not a master in this, I still have really hard moments and days and I feel calmer and more equipped to hold this massive experience. I can accept the extreme dips in my emotions and the excessive mind chatter that wants to take me down under into terror and fear. I have a more expansive space to invite everything I am feeling and experiencing. And most likely I am going to fall apart again and thats just fine, uncomfortable and possibly agonizing and I will come through it.
So being with what is has created this almost endless space to hold and be present to what arises because God knows this is a hell of a ride!!! Watch for a coming blog on ‘Diving deeper into Death.’