Today I continue my truth telling and sharing of my feelings and what is happening in me and through me. I have known for a very long time that I am a channel, a conduit for this experience, a voice to share the wounded side of our collective story!
Immense terror and fear are here within me. I breathe into this and ask what do you want to say?
I am so very exhausted and tired of the fight to be this slave. The slave that has to work for a living to earn its keep, pay for all its privledges and amenities. Money has become what drives my society, if you don’t have it, you don’t have our god-given resources, amenities, a home, communication, transportation, food and water. All of it costs money! This is terrifying to me because I don’t know how to make money, nor do I have an interest to make money. How did money become our only valuing system? The proof is here staring me in the face, if I don’t have money I can’t have anything in life that has been set as a necessity. This means my home, food, water, my phone, hydro, my car (insurance and fuel, maintenance), supplies for my art expressions, etc. With my health as it is its not possible to hold a job. So I have to create something to attract money 💰 so that I can pay for all the things I mentioned above. And even when my health was clear making money wasn’t my thing. I have never been one to be a money maker although money has come as I needed. It’s been a struggle, a fear that I have had this anxiety all of my life on how to make it here in this world. At times it has seemed absolutely impossible to survive here. Right now is that time! I feel helpless, hopeless and exhausted! I don’t know how to do this life with what it demands of me to survive. I make stuff from scratch… a ball of yarn and my hands turn this into a piece of clothing or accessory. I offer my creations for a donation and I can say I am not making enough to pay my bills!!! I don’t know what else to do, I am at my end of trying to make a living to survive here! Is death my only option? Isn’t that a tragedy if death is the only option of making it here?
I feel I am not alone in this that there are others who are being forced to work in jobs they hate that are sucking their life force from them. That others find themselves compromised so badly that maybe they might be experiencing health challenges because of it. Well I have been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and I can say I have eaten healthy foods for 20 years now, had a spiritual practice, done all kinds of treatments, intense cleansing, supplement protocols, immense processing work and counselling to work at healing my past trauma and in the meantime life has been a trauma for me! Living here in this world has seemed like I was somewhere that I never recognized, it all seemed so foreign to me. Looking out my window I don’t recognize where I am like I got plopped down on some planet that isn’t my home. When I go out into the world to shop for my food I am hit with waves of anxiety, chaos and immense tension. I don’t feel safe or nourished nor do I feel inspired. All I see is people rushing around, road rage, everyone in a hurry to go somewhere, people at their wits end, tense and angry, and construction and destruction of our eco-system everywhere. And everywhere I go it costs money to go and to get anything. Even now it’s 6:20 am here and I hear the hum of steady cars driving the highway which is a little ways from where I live. Busy, busy, hectic, waiting in lines to do what should take moments now takes hours. My patience has runneth out! This is what it must feel like for all the animals in their natural domain when driven out by the human machine, growth, evolution! I feel I am being pushed out and there is nowhere left to go except death! WOW, WTF? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? HOW DID WE COME THIS FAR in this wrecklessness, abandonment and selfishness?
I am laying myself down at the foot of God I cannot do this anymore in this way. I cannot live in terror or fear one more moment! I do not have the solution or answers but I have my voice and I have my blog to share my voice.
This is some hard truth to be seen in because a part of my human has been trained to feel like a failure because I have not and will not master the world of money!!! I do not know what will be my faith because I am in the middle of a spiritual revolt and evolution. These times will never be in future generations. We are the generation who has decided enough is enough and we are caught with one foot in this matrix reality and one foot out, where that is I do not know! And part of my work is sitting in all of this holding it, waiting, and being in this chaos until?