WOW!!! Travelling into deeper aspects of myself. Discovering, uncovering, examining, getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, acknowledging, understanding, accepting and then loving!!! This is my process. My latest has been seeing the part in me that felt so unloved, unworthy, not seen, not accepted infact outright rejected by my family. Never feeling a deep loving foundation that I could grow upward from. Always scrambling to feel safe and what did that even look like? I ran with the darkside for a very long time. Once I came through that I began over compensating, over giving, over being present for others, over processing others, making sure I was there whenever I was called upon and keeping my ugliness, unhappiness, negativity and rage all to myself. Trying to be a super supporter all the while neglecting my inner child and wounding.
A couple of my closest and dearest tribe sisters came to visit well over a month ago actually on the day of my partner’s Mom’s death. I felt inside me that it wasn’t right for me to meet them prior to that day. But I felt like I had better meet them because I thought I needed them more than listening to that inner voice saying not to meet up with them. I did it out of my deep need to not disappoint or make them feel uncomfortable placing their needs once again above my own. I knew it wasn’t going to go well and I should have cancelled it and took the extended time for myself but I was afraid I would lose them. I lost them anyway because they were never mine to lose and the unconscious and self negating way I was showing up with them had to stop. When it came down to my true feelings and my beliefs and standing in that they both felt like I had dishonored their boundaries and crossed them. It wasn’t their fault I taught them that I would be there and do anything for them even if it crossed my own beliefs and boundaries. Needless to say I was so emotional and in my own experience that I literally had nothing for them, they had never experienced this before from me. I told them I had nothing to give but I had integrated such a pattern with them that they could not accept that I had nothing to give them and so they went on with their beliefs, ideas and boundaries wanting me to honour and accept them in that. But I had nothing and could no longer show up for them abandoning myself in the process. They were both in dis-belief and I understand why and it had to go that way in order for me to cut through my way of being with them. I knew I could no longer show up and be this power processor with insights, wisdom and guidance as much as it all came through me from the higher realms of the divine. I was leaving alot of myself at the door to be with them in this way also not their fault. But also not my fault either as I had not fully realized my shadow side in this with them. They had become dependant on this persona I had created and it was not sustainable which I discovered, thank God.
I have taken over 45 days without alot of connection to my people/tribe which has freed up alot of space for me to fully examine this shadow wounding in me. I had my first communication over the phone with a dear sister of mine after over 40 days of just messaging and voice recordings with her. I found myself apologizing for dropping the ball with her… her response was shocking for me but in a very good awakening way. She said, “I didn’t feel like you dropped me at all, you remained in connection regularly with me.” The way I felt inside was what was shocking to me. I felt like I had let her down, abandoned her, dropped the ball so to speak and that was not her experience at all. From where I was standing and what I was used to pouring and giving out to others it seemed like I had completely and utterly dropped her. This was the shocking part realizing that in order for me to feel like I was really giving it my all What I had to give up in myself to give to another would have to leave me depleted and exhausted but the other over flowing with my attention, love and understanding. I have come to realize in this process that picking me and filling myself up 1st doesn’t require any explaining or justification to anyone. If I indeed have friends and they are true friends they will understand my vacancies, my drop off’s and the times when I cannot be there and will love me through them and be there on the other side.
I am holding the line on this now within and that is all I have to do. Show up in the ways that I can, stay connected as best as I can and I do not need to justify myself and my actions and non-actions to anyone unless I choose to. I am in great gratitude for these 2 sisters whom I walked through this with. It is a great lesson, a mastery of sorts because the perceived loss seemed so great and that was the dangling carrot that kept me dishonest with myself and them. I have forgiven myself and send them both deep love and gratitude.
I have released them and our relationship living in gratitude for all that we did share and experience. Knowing now how to hold my shape as I maneuver through my own process while being in sisterhood. I will no longer place another’s needs and well-being above my own just to be the one they need to turn to. This was my shadow archetype, the one who needed to be so needed and all the while neglecting myself in that! Phew, this was a doozy!!! Glad I am on the other wise of it.
blessings and love