It has been 27 months (just over 2 years) since western medicine doctors diagnosed me with stage 4 breast cancer metastasized with 3 months to live. So I have had 2 full years of life past that faithful day of departure. I have written about bits and pieces of my journey into the medical system. But what I haven’t shared is what I feel brought me to this ‘gift in my breast.’ This is my story!
Once upon a long time ago, I was a very little girl who was molested by our neighbour’s older son. Nothing was done about this and it was left to rot inside me. My parents I know if they could have they would have done better. And they didn’t and so this little girl went on to be molested by another neighbor up the other way of our street at the corner. Innocently playing barbies one sunny summer morning and got up to go in the house to use the bathroom and her Dad met me coming down the hallway. I wont speak of the details, this is not necessary here. Another incident later in life when I was about 14 or so, I was at a party and went upstairs again to use the bathroom. The father was in his recliner chair and called me over to him I went innocently, he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap. Attempting to do things and I somehow managed to wrestle my way out of his grip and fled downstairs back to the party and started telling people what had happened to me upstairs. The daughter heard and came over to me violently yelling and pointing to get out and never come back. You can imagine the absolute betrayal of this moment and the mocking that the other kids did to me. Feeling absolutely abandoned and alone I walked an hour in the pitch dark home where I lay awake all night long. I never told anyone because with the shame and guilt that I had caused it somehow penetrated my psyche and left me utterly paralyzed.
I also didn’t tell many of the stalker that was in my life for a number of years. He tried to get me in his vehicle numerous times and I ran. He stopped me on my way to school one morning and was violently yelling for me to get in his truck. I ran and went to the community center pool where I called my Mom at work who told me to go to my school across the road and tell the principal. Another time I was working late at Wendy’s restaurant and he was parked out in the lot watching me as I did my job closing up. Luckily I had my friend walk me home around 1:30am. I was already living away from my parents in a apartment with my abuser boyfriend at this time. Another incident with the stalker I was way out at this remote park by a river and there he was in yet a different vehicle watching me. And another time I was at a ball game with my family and across the otherside he layed on the front of his vehicle back up against the front window watching me. I escaped whatever he had in store for me although he did leave his mark deep inside my core.
I became highly sexual in my younger years when still at home and was caught with 2 of my best girlfriends fooling around. I was shamed at my dinner table in front of both my parents and two brothers. This left a deep scar in me.
I left home at 14 or 15 and moved in with my highly abusive boyfriend. This was hell for 8 long years with sexual abuse, extreme violence and mental trauma.
I spent 8 years in a highly abusive relationship with him. This young man took me up our local mountain deep down some overgrown roads and attempted to suffocate me and I escaped this, running through the woods for hours trying to get off that mountain. He did many sadistic acts to me, threatening if I ever left he would hunt me down, find me and cut me into a million pieces and bury me so no one would find my remonants. This kept me prisoner for a long time until my escape.
I went into the world after running away from him at 22 years old, moved to Vancouver to get away and lived a horrific highly sexual life with extreme danger around every corner. I am telling you God had plans for me as I escaped this life with my life. Only to try to live a normal life but that was not in the cards. After having my daughter at 25 years old I became highly triggered and dove deeply into the underworld of addictions. It was here I got my mastery in suffering, self harm and extreme sexual, violence and mental abuse. I dated drug dealers, addicts, violent men and even ex cons. I was a perfect victim. I was a product of my environment and mastered this life of extreme trauma in every facet. I met abusive men after men who beat, raped and mentally abused me. This life went on until into my 40’s. Although the violence stopped still a highly sexual connection with men continued and mental trauma.
I finally had the courage to live alone, I fell in love with myself in these years. I took a vow of celibacy for 4 years which turned into 7 or 8 years, maybe more. In this time I learned of my own sexual body, mind and spirit. I heard guidance on how to harness these skills to heal myself and others which I practiced. I have come to know my body is mine, and mine alone. My sexual life force energy also my own and here to use through my heart. I have mastered a sacred ritual through my sexual life force energy and use this to balance, heal, transform and harness deep power to wield for good. I have remained devoted to the Priestess/Goddess in me. She is my greatest guide and teacher, one that never fails me.
I found myself homeless a couple times in my life, once in my 40’s and in my early 50’s. In my late 40’s I was staying at my friends until I could find a home. She needed her home back to herself which forced me to move more quickly than I feel I would have. I chose an apartment that was infested with black mold which I lived in for 15 months where I fell deathly ill and discovered the lump in my right breast while living there. I found the mold a few months in. I became so ill there, I had never been so sick. Emergency room on many occasions with anxiety through the roof. And the heart arrhythmia took me there where I had 6 electric shocks to bring my heart back to normal. I don’t know if you have ever had the heart paddles, terrifying and I had to sign a waiver if I died. And they give you a drug to administer the electric shock paddles so you are not awake while they do it. It was a death experience every time. I had to go on medication for anxiety because no natural cures would calm it to the point I could live and sleep at night. I finally found another apartment, same landlord, right next door, for the reasonable price of $650/month. This apartment was dry as a bone, no mold. I began my healing and recovery journey there although a lump in my breast still present and growing. I did alot of natural protocols, including Ayurvedic medicine in this time. Eventually the landlord sold to developers and once again my home was threatened. I managed to buy the landlords 5th wheel off of him, renovate it but had to move out because I couldn’t afford the payment on the rv and rent. Again homeless, stayed with a friend to do a cleanse, even slept in my trailer where it was being stored, no power and everything I owned inside it. Until one faithful day I found land to move myself and trailer to. I lived there with no full power, it was camping in October and November until December when I got my power and internet. This was not the easiest landlord, I had made an exchange agreement to live there. He was not willing to take my age, capacity and gifts into account for the trade. I ended up getting a very good contract chef job where I ended up paying for the rent. And I had to move again. After a couple months of looking I found another farm. I moved to my new place and it was heaven. By this time my left lung had collapsed which I didn’t know, from the gift in my right breast. By September 2020 I was rushed into emergency with heart arrhythmia I had for 2 days that would not come back into normal beats. The rest of this story is on my website under Menu on my ‘Thriving to Live’ page.
Here is my summary from this story. I believe that my deep unsafety since birth; being adopted, never feeling loved by my adopted parents, having been molested multiple times, leaving home so young into the hands of a rapest and violent man and never feeling loved, cared for, taken care of when I needed it most by my parents, being raped, violently beaten and feeling as though compromise was my cross to bare, brought me to the ‘gift in my breast.’ I had to stop all my unconscious programming. The over obsessant need to care for others above and beyond myself. Placing everyone else before me. I had to face this part that felt so unworthy and the one who was making mistakes and so wrong. I have sold my feminity to the highest bidder time and time again for a perceived safety, which it was not. I have prostituted myself on all levels to survive. I had felt afraid in so many moments, always watching over my shoulder just in case he is coming for me. I have searched every corner of my home at night when alone to make sure he is not hiding and waiting for me. I have scarred my own skin, heart, blood, yoni and mind so he could use me up and throw me away time and time again all in the name of a delusional love and safety. I was a shipwreck by the time the gift came to visit. My pure feminine nature had been beaten, raped, molested as a child, and used up in the most horrific ways. Of course my beautiful plump breast had taken the brunt of it all. She is that much of a warrior that she would sacrifice everything and her beauty to bring me home. While my other breast stay on guard watching over the onslaught of a lifetime of the feminine falling to the darkest reaches of humanity.
I do not blame anyone person only to tell my tale of how I got here.
I know that I agreed to come into this world to heal and remember the walk of the Divine Soul. Where the feminine and masculine unite in one love. Where I rise and live in love for the rest of my time here and for my many lifetimes here after. Everyone in this story did exactly what they were suppose to do. Thank you all for doing your part to assist in me remembering that I am God/Creator. I am on this path now THANK GOD FOR THAT.