WOW!!! YESTERDAY WAS A DOOZY!!! I began the day in tears and ended it passing out from my meltdown!!! I came up against my greatest fears once again of things being out of my control and me not being able to get what I need to help myself. This is one of the wounds an abused battered woman faces after she escapes her tormentors and abusers. It has been a long time since I have been in any relationship with an abuser and I never will be again, this I know. However the burden has been heavy and affected my life in a deeply profound way.

I have not spoken publically about this really and feel it’s time to talk openly. If my words can support another person in getting help or help them understand their wounding imprint to better soften their path then it is all worth it.

My abusers barged into my life as a child (sexually molesting me) and there were a number of them and it didnt stop there! Into my teens, 14 years old I attracted my first boyfriend who raped me, beat me and emotionally abused me harbouring me a prisoner for 8 years until my escape. I continued with one abuser after the next it was as though they were lined up outside my door.  Oneday it would stop and that day was when I stopped my drug and alcohol and sex addiction. I lived a wild, dangerous life stepping into places with people that were very unsafe. Even after my sobriety I dated hard core drug addicts who were needle users and walking a very dark path!!! I had not yet met my own darkness face to face, still projecting it out onto others. It took me waking up in Guatemala, basically with no money or resource to find my way home. My daughter and her best friend came there and all of us found our way home, driving out of Guatemala, through Mexico, Vegas and back to the Island together as a team.  I pulled over many times walking out to the curb in front of the vehicle, collapsing and crying.  Those 2 incredible beings at my side holding me until I could get back in to the vehicle and begin driving again. It didn’t end there, I was homeless, no money, no prospects and absolutely beyond exhausted. I wasnt finished with meeting drug addicts, needle users seemed to be who I attracted. They seemed to be the most disturbed of the bunch. They carried a level of darkness and when sober for the moments they were were sweet souls! I lived in Port Alberni, a kind friend took me in and there I began to make my way home.

I am going to a Being Held Gathering tomorrow which I also feel will deepen my healing journey, thank you for this beautiful offering of work you do. I have been making my way to your work for over 4 years and tomorrow I will have finally made it to this door. I am deeply grateful for you both!!

Thank you everyone who takes the time to read this, witnessing my sorest of spots, the inner wounding.

I do not carry out my wounding in unconscious ways in relationship with others anymore.  I hold myself in these places, reach out to a friend on occasion while in these spots and just allow myself the space to be so deeply sore that I can barely stand to be in my body at times. And this is my path of this survivor, goddess and warrior!!!