This is for Mothers however it can speak to Father’s and Parents in general. I will share as a Mother because that is what I am.
Life has been a very stressful and fear based existence for a great deal of it for me. My childhood was what would have appeared normal from the outside but it wasn’t. I got involved with the wrong men because of childhood trauma and went down the dark road of addictions. This blog is not about this life as I have shared some of my story in previous posts. This blog is about AWARENESS, being alert and attuned to bad choices and behaviours and fixing it or being able to get help so my parenting doesn’t leave its dent in my child’s life. And so the wounding infects the next generation. This is what I did as an absent addict Mother. I made VERY BAD CHOICES around my life all the while trying to be a Mother. Leaving all the responsibility on her father. If I could do it over again it would look very differently. I would have sought help to understand my internal voices that were taking me into very dangerous and unsafe circumstances. I would have read books to learn about child abuse and the affects on me aging. I would have learned to be alert to bad choices, that would leave a lasting imprint on my oh so precious and innocent daughter. I was sexually abused as a child and my parents did nothing! Infact they didn’t believe me. I was labelled a liar from a young age. Infact anything that happened to me wasn’t believed as my parents deemed me a bad egg, I was adopted after all. This insecure, unsafe, wounded environment did not set me up for a beautiful, inspired and thriving life. Infact I felt very unsafe since an extremely young age, as far back as I remember. And therefore brought that into my Mother life, which I abandoned because of deep seated denial and a very dysfunctional detachment style. I felt abandoned by my Mother and Father and therefore ABANDONED MY DAUGHTER.
I have worked very hard to own my bad behaviour and choices and know that this had a profound imprint on my daughter. I recognize her struggles, her detachment style, her beautiful sensitivity and her attitude and feelings towards me. I own the fact that I imprinted her with my shadow. I created wounding, fears, unsafety and ways in which she has integrated coping skills to off set the great loss of her Mother. I was utterly ABSENT in her VERY IMPORTANT CHILDHOOD YEARS that integrate healthy life skills for her future ADULTHOOD. Although even with this less than a perfect start SHE IS A TRULY MIRACULOUS HUMAN BEING AND MOTHER.
As her Mother now and in the past 21 years of my healing and remembering my perfection, I have spoken outloud, written letters and discussed my behaviour with her, her Father and in public forums. I take full responsibility for all my mistakes and how this has affected my daughter.
As a Mother I feel it is my duty to make this public, to have her know that it was never about her, she did nothing wrong and I am so utterly SORRY for this life I imprinted into her. I feel that as her Mother she deserves to know this so she isn’t carrying my burden into her Motherhood. Although this will have happened I believe by owning my mistakes this can help to support her healing and recovery. And therefore heal the generational trauma in our lineage. And potentially ease my grandchilds’ load of generational trauma.
As a Mother I feel that we must all take responsibility for what we did or didn’t do in moments where profound trauma and imprinting formed in our precious children. It is so important to honor how my daughter feels, what she remembers and how that affected her then and now. It is not up to me to make her wrong, deny what she says and feels towards me and the choices I made back then and now. It is my job, my duty and my immense love for her to respect and honor her choices as a human being and Mother. Acknowledging how she feels and her thoughts are a part of being a good Mother and support for her.
I have witnessed many Mothers over the years who will not accept responsibility of their children’s wounding narrative. They reject, interfere, impose and are cruel still to their adult children. Or they DO NOT THINK THEY DID ANYTHING WRONG that would affect their child, denying any responsibility that maybe their adult child is wounded because of their limited awareness towards their own deeply dysfunctional unconscious behaviour. If our children who are now adults have wounding and dysfunction it is do to our raising or lack of. Or maybe you negated, ignored, had addiction issues (working too much is an abuse to our children) and/or abused your child through violence, sexual, verbally and/or abandoned/ignored them. One thing as a Mother (parent) if our children have issues we need to look at what we did, said and/or acted, or didnt do! I hold myself fully accountable for any trauma I instilled into my daughter.
I am now able to see and know that parenting is so radically important in a child’s future life as an adult. What I neglected, did do that was from my trauma and did not do through being absent with my daughter in her childhood years has shaped and had a profound effect on her and who she is today. My life’s work is to clear any and all mistakes I made in this lifetime including the failings of Motherhood. I have made it my mission to repair, restore, heal and become the best Mama and Oma I can be for as long as I draw breath in this world. I intend to draw alot of breath!!!
So, Mothers, Fathers, Parents… get out of your pride, your ego, your distorted truths and beliefs of being a great parent, or the idea you did everything right!! Or you don’t know what you did! If your child or children are having behaviour issues and/or struggling and have issues as adults YOU WERE A PART OF THAT! LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HERE FOR THEM NOW, TO JUST LISTEN WITHOUT REACTION, HEAR THEIR SIDE, THEIR STORY AND ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR TRUTHS even if it doesn’t meet yours! Be there consistently, telling them how loved and incredible they are!!! Lets heal the lineages of wounding in our generations in past, present and future together!!!