Jan. 29/21 I am updating this page as I have transitioned into yet another part of this journey. The initial name of this journey was “Dying to Live” and now with all the work I have done, the processing and deep awareness and messages that have come through the name of this no longer suits where I am in this process. What has come is “Thriving to Live”
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December 1, 2020
The beginning of yet another journey of living, oh actually dying, oh wait, “Dying to Live.” Here I am December 1, 2020 with a diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer. On September 12, 2020 I was taken into the hospital with heart arrhythmia which I have had since birth. My heart was at 185-200 beats per minute and I could not bring it back into a regular rate I tried all my tricks that had brought it back all of my life. Twenty hours later my dearest friend/sister came to me in tears pleading that I go to the hospital, it was in her eyes I could see clearly that I had to surrender. Tears now running down my cheeks, her and my other close friend drove me to the hospital, covid time and my phobia of hospitals, we arrived to two huge white tents out front. Two soft and gentle angels greeted us and brought a wheelchair very quickly seeing I was weak and fading out of consciousness. The three of us had made a pact before leaving for the hospital that we would not leave each others side. This was immediately broken and not by us but the hospital policy with covid restrictions!
My sister in tears outside the door where I was taken into the emergency shared with a hospital worker that part of our medicine is tribe and being together in our worst times, heart broken, her and I we had to release one of our biggest medicines in that moment. The worker she spoke with told her that the Indigenous people were not coming to the hospital anymore because they could not be with their tribe while there. My phobia of hospitals was amplified with the covid restrictions and without my biggest medicines of tribe with me I had to step into a reality that was so far away from my roots. As love would have it, a number of angels stepped up as hospital nurses and workers tended to me with as much compassion and love as they could muster up.
It was a hard 4 nights journey and although they had strict restrictions around visitors, well no visitors, I some how was allowed to have my one visitor who stayed until he had to leave by 8pm each night. I had twelve different doctors in total come to my bedside and impose their diagnosis and treatments to me every day. I felt like I was swimming in a river of parana’s. No escape from the onslaught day after night; hooked up to equipment, electro frequencies in the environment, iv’s with medication, lights on all night, no true darkness for a healing restful sleep, no fresh air, tribe/family and a continuous reality that insisted I was going to die and die very soon! Thank god for the medical team finding the right lung full of liquid and being able to drain it. This and a medication put my heart back into a regular rate. I am immensely grateful for western medicine when it comes to procedures that support a shift until one can get their own self back on track. To all the staff in emergency on September 12, 2020 THANK YOU for saving my life!!! And thank you for all the doctors that drove me into an almost 3 month depression, nothingness, no will to live, hopelessness and helplessness so that I could fall into the deepest cave to IGNITE a SPARK so bright and brilliant that my will to live would be restored anew again!
A will to live from yet a whole new other place, without the prognosis of death I would not have found this passion for “Dying to Live!” I have created this site on my website to record my journey with stage 4 breast cancer, my personal story of what this has inspired, to a deeper devotion to my body (temple) and my diet more fine tuned than ever before and deeply knowing that connection and relationship to people, my tribe, my family, friends, potential friends and strangers is my greatest medicine in this life, the gold nugget! Together we will journey to places you or I would not have unless this prognosis had happened. Life has a funny way of bringing us together and I am learning to accept and allow these mysteries to guide me into the abyss without a clue as to what to do next!
Please continue to follow me on this journey as I walk a tight rope of the mystery of life, falling off sometimes, staying on and discovering, becoming more attuned to my self, others, animals, the earth and everything. And learning how to stay in the unknown, a place where nothing in this reality is of inspiration to me anymore and beginning anew without all my things that held me together, inspired me, drove me and now created stage 4 breast cancer. WOW what a mystery, what a life, what a world!!!
Please follow on my main page on my website http://www.thedharmacy.com as I will be blogging there on my journey. All my blog posts pertaining to this journey will have a main title of Dying to Live with a sub title as well on the particular theme of that blog.
Thank you from my deepest heart and sincere immense gratitude for you and your courage.
I am enclosing a contact form here in case you want to contact me.