Why am I apologizing and to whom? Through this journey I’ve come to realize that apologies are in order. And my first one is to myself.

My Dearest Dana Lynn;

I am so sorry for abusing you all of your adult life.  I didn’t listen when I needed to.  Ignoring your great wisdom when you were yelling at me. Taking you into relationships and experiences that were so dangerous and wrong for you.  Compromising your very boundaries all the while keeping someone else’s wounding happy and enabled.  Sexually abusing you all of those years. Allowing others to touch you in ways that made your skin crawl.  Saying yes when I truly meant no and no when I wanted to say yes.  Never acknowledging the deep shyness, purity and innocence that you are.

And emotionally eating. Gorging and stuffing in foods unconsciously when my body truly felt like it was enough. Starving myself of water. 

Always reading the room and other people and giving them what they wanted versus what I needed.

Never taking the space and time and creating quiet for myself as often as I required. Ignoring the inner call for peace and harmony.

Endless years of compromise. Being unable to fulfill my duties of being a Mother. Abandoning my daughter as I had been. May she know it was never her it was my deep wounding and neurosis of my childhood trauma. I AM SO SO VERY SORRY for harming her and leaking my shadow into her innocent human. Extended periods, years, of guilt and internal punishment around this.

Keeping silent when I needed to blow the roof off!

And all that alcohol and drug abuse, I AM SO SORRY for dis-honoring your sacred vessel for all those years.

I am so sorry my love ❤️ Please forgive me. I truly did not know what I was doing and now I realize the wake of destruction I left behind me. Which turns out is inside me.

I exploited, horrifically abused, silenced, enslaved your mind and body, took advantage, used and disposed, shut you down, caged, coerced, bullied and traumatized you OVER AND OVER until CANCER came to unlock the prison, open the doors, excavate, clarify and support, and FINALLY LOVE YOU for who you are, as you are in this moment… broken, damaged, breast mutilated, heart arrhythmia, emotional, traumatized, afraid and feeling like I can’t make it or survive in this world. And at the same moment in time as the above exists inside this same body of Dana Lynn I acknowledge that courage, devotion, stamina, commitment, discipline, focus, genius, wisdom, intelligence, acceptance, worthiness, care, understanding and LOVE also reside within.

My life as I have lived it has brought me to these teachings and I accept the pain, immense suffering, massive mistakes, transgressions, failures, I have brought upon myself, my daughter, partners, family, tribe, friends, sisters and brothers. I work daily unpacking this heavy suitcase of my burdens. Laying each one out, one at a time, to allow its full space to explain, explore, listen, learn and grow from its hardships it has endured. To steward a new way to show up in my heart and greatest integrity. And if I should fall again I know I will not evoke the damage I have done. I will as quickly as possible own my parts, apologize, ask for clarity and call another to this place.

I guess this is my life; pondered, exposed, transparent, hidden and beautiful. Dark, neurotic and suffered. Empty, void and full. Saddened, grief, happy and joyful. Lonely, alone, abandoned and together, fulfilled and inclusive. It seems everything lives here in this human existence and I suspect this is why I chose to come to this earthly 🌎 place. To live it all fully and completely. To be so utterly wrong and messy. To feel what it’s like to have harmed another and their wrath and teachings. To be so utterly alone and abandoned and then to find God within from this depth of perceived loss. To be swalled up by a level of darkness where suicide seemed the only solution. And then to find a spark of a will to live, not being clear for what yet. To a confusion so deep and profound I find sorting it out beyond my capacity. And then I remember God within, it all exists here and now, acceptance and loving detachment while being present to it all. Sometimes seemingly so big my head might explode into a million pieces of mystery. It is here I breathe, embodying Dana Lynn as this human being and all her life lived experiences, that I honor her here and now and thank her for her courageous path she has walked. May she remember and be blessed always, in past, present and future incarnations. Taking this life into the next phase of her evolution, whether continuing in this vessel or the next. Thank you Dana Lynn for your service.