These past few years have been a BIG INTERNAL HOUSEKEEPING. I mean my friendships that I thought were going to be for my lifetime have ended. I am not here to make myself or them wrong in this situation and I certainly rallied this around to both sides. I questioned what I and each one of my friends did or didn’t do wrong? And found stuff on both sides worthy of examining. In the end I came to realize I had been giving way too much time, space and processing from a long standing family wound. If I gave and gave and was always available then I would be in high demand, needed, loved and wouldn’t be abandoned. I exhausted my reserves, went into a deficit and eventually found myself with breast cancer. This is not to say I was diagnosed because of this and blame them and it is a factor at play with dis-ease. Giving too much of the self, emptying my reserves and playing out old wounds from family dynamics will manifest in the body if not processed and healed.

As I re-connect to God/Creator daily I attune to my unique vibration and rhythms. Aside and away from family wounding imprinted within I am able to find my true essence and needs. Spaciousness without feeling I am on speed dial on call allows me to sink into me without the distraction of saving others before myself. This allows to really hear and be with these valuable parts of me. I now tend to what I need in each moment, prioritizing myself at the top. And when a friend does reach out I don’t have that incessant nature to throw myself under the bus to save them. I am able to feel into my internal tank and choose to support or not. I can create boundaries that state I have space or I don’t. And if I can’t do it then I let them know and suggest another time for us to check in. I am finding a greater balance, harmony and peace with my friends I have now.

I have loved each of these ex-friends very much. I experienced an immense “perceived” loss and terror at these times. Went through a tremendous shock and deep suffering. The loss seemed paralyzing and terrifying 😳. And in the depths of this process I found the abandoned parts of myself, re-anchored them and claimed my aware self once more. Thank you to all those humans that I danced with here so that I could re-claim these forgotten parts of myself.

I am very discerning who I will give my precious life force energy to these days. I came through the fire🔥 with scars however I am not afraid of it. I am open to self regulate and attune to my needs in all my relations. What a gift to be made new again through the process of healing.