I am sure we each have our own experience of ‘rock bottom.’ I don’t know what yours is or how many you reached or sunk to. And I can certainly say ‘rock bottom’ has been a role in my path.

What is ‘rock bottom?’ For me it’s an experience where something takes me into a deep emotional pit of self judgment, name calling, dark thoughts of helpless hopelessness, feeling I have no choices other than to die and claiming I am a failed, useless and fucked up individual who can’t do anything worthy in life. Pretty dark huh? Yah, it is a very rechid time and I can spiral down so far, I feel nothing is going to be okay or be better ever. These deep falls have only just come in the last few years since the breast cancer came to visit. I have shame, embarrassment and utter demoralizing feelings during and after. I go into not wanting to go on anymore because I can’t bare to live through the night and days after this catastrophic event. Facing myself, and my partner after this horror is almost enough to send me seeking for the fastest and easiest way out. And I don’t share this openly and easily to you all as I risk being judged, not seen as I truly am and maybe it terrifies some of you and who knows what you are capable of in your fears? And I share it because my sense is you may have felt this or are actively going through something similar. And maybe reading this will help you feel like you are not a monster, a freak, a failure or are unworthy and useless. That maybe you will feel seen, acknowledged and not alone. Abandoned by yourself and possibly rejected by your partner or family. My hope is this will hold you through those moments when ‘rock bottom’ comes to visit. That you may not feel so rejected and defeated or at least not as long if you were utterly alone it it.

I have recently gone through this and haven’t got the gold nugget I am praying for as of yet. Floating in a limbo of heavy rains of burden, judgment and darkness. And mastering a gentle kindness and acceptance. Allowing all of its heavy weight to be here. Sitting in with all of these feelings with a heartfelt offer of ‘some time with it’ but I will be moving on as well. I will not forget this nor wallow in it so long it paralyzes my direction. Giving this immense shadow space allows me to face all of my life experiences of trauma where I was imposed upon by other very wounded people. It is the healing of being a victim to something that was outside my ability to stop it. In conclusion, it is the place of my victim where she was molested, raped, beaten and emotionally abused. The very book marked place within that felt she had no choices, options or a way out. And it sunk deep into my inner field where it rotted and eventually must come out. Rock bottom are these times of recovery for me. It sure doesn’t feel like good but because I feel it and go through it, it is HEALING!