Here I go, another death!!! Another recreating anew! What does this actually mean to me?
I can count approximately the times I have died and recreated anew in this lifetime…
- My actual birth onto this earth, I died from my existence of being spirit, one with God. Formless into matter, a human; dense, a journey back home to realizing my Spirit and oneness with God/Creator.
- Moving out of my childhood home at 15 years to live with my abuser boyfriend.
- Leaving this boyfriend to move to Vancouver with my brother and his life partner at 22 years of age. Leaving my small town to enter into a big city life. This is a story all unto itself.
- Exiting Vancouver to come back to our beautiful island again to start anew.
- Meeting my love of my life and getting pregnant. Giving birth to my incredible daughter.
- Leaving Mamahood to traverse the road of darkness. Entering into a 7 year path of addictions.
- Coming out of a road so dark and deciding to become well, clean, sober. This took many years, became agoraphobic, transcended into a spirit seeker, leaving most of my friends behind because of sobriety.
- Re-entering Mamahood with a massive burden to heal the abandonment of myself and my daughter. And healing my physical state, as I was very ill; emotionally, physically and mentally.
- Seperating from my husband to eek out on my own. Terrified of how I would survive with no money, prospects or an ability to show up and work in this reality.
- Traveled to China to start a school of Spirituality.
- Drove in a VW van from Vancouver Island to Guatemala, Mexico, Belize, lived in Guatemala for 7 months.
- Came home broke, broken and homeless. Couch surfing for months until a dear friend took me in where I moved to Port Alberni.
- No money, this is where I lived off of gleaming, and volunteering at a local farm. I did not shop at a grocery store for 5 months while here.
- After living there for a year my daughter insisted I move home, this is when another amazing soul took me in and would not take any money for rent. I did alot of healing here and found my deepest core wounds and finally realized there was no one causing them, they were coming from within.
- We started The Love Cafe, my daughter and I.
- Ended my time as a business partner and owner, moved to Salt Spring for an 8 month retreat of quiet and deep introspection.
- Homeless again, staying at a friend’s for a few months, moving into a mold infested apartment where my health went into a tailspin. Had to go on meds for anxiety and heart arrhythmia. Discovered the lump in my breast.
- Went back to the land to homestead, found a 5 acre farm where I began my homesteading life in a 28ft trailer.
- Health going down with respiratory issues. Rushed into Emergency in CO 19 times. Diagnosed with stage 4 cancer metastasized given 3 months to live.
- Leaving my dream of Homesteading to go and die in my ex’s cottage behind my daughters home. Dismantling my trailer on the homestead, selling it and just trying to survive with holistic treatments a number of times a week for months.
- Prospect of being homeless again while going through cancer, no money, no ability to work and a miracle happened, moved into a 2 bedroom suite.
- And let’s not forget that in between all this time of the diagnosis I had to change my entire existence, diet and lifestyle and deal with death knocking at my door.
- Lost 2 of my best friends, my partners Mother passed, I moved to his family home leaving my home town of 28 years. And the landlord where I was living became very abusive and ended up evicting me.
- Possibility of becoming homeless again and not knowing how I would survive in this world. Then my partner, best friend and I decided to embark on sharing space together. I had to inventory all his Mothers stuff and sell it. We had a very difficult path of transcending ego stuff together. And we have succeeded!
- Working with ‘the gift’ daily, traversing through this MASSIVE CHANGE in life as I knew it, and now TODAY, March 3, 2023 I must once again ‘recreate and become anew…’ I am revamping my diet once more to embody living the Blood type diet, having to once again change, give up and grieve old foods that have become my friend, comrad and emotional support.
I hope you have gotten the meaning of death and recreating anew from my sharing above? And if not here is what it means to me; it is a moment in time when what I was and knew then must stop, change and become something I have not been before. This process brings alot of grief, rage, confusion and fear of the unknown. I go through an emotional upheaval where screaming into and punching a pillow to relieve some rage, alot of crying, depression sinks in, a ‘What is there to live for? And I want to leave this planet mentality kicks in. I become a hopeless, helpless lump in my bed, deep remorse, and unwilling to want to give up anything more and a have to energy, collide smashing each other apart. I ride in this vessel feeling so much I think I might explode into a million pieces. And in that thought I almost feel a relief and think good then it will all be over and I won’t have to feel all this!!! I begin to feel so heavy in my mind and my heart and sometimes I actually slap my face multiple times because I am so distraught. This process is not for the faint at heart. It is a true death and rebirth. And one of the big parts is the ego does not die lightly or without a tremendous fight! This is the process for me of ‘death and recreating anew.’
I recognize my strength, devotion, sheer will to live and recreate, rebirth! This is a journey of the sacred warriors, which I believe we all are. I invite you to look at your own ‘death and recreating anew’ path, write it out and honour your strength, abilities and celebrate how you have come to where you are today. I honor, celebrate and acknowledge how powerful, strong and devoted you are.