I want to share a big part of my journey with some very HARD TRUTH’S in it.
I know for myself it was always so easy to blame the masculine for what I was feeling, if he did something that went against my way, it would stimulate my fixer. I was either a pull away from him or a tell him gal. Alot of times feeling triggered, my go to was pulling away and going into my room. And I tried to correct him to align to my way of being.
He is not like me, never will be and thank God, one of me is enough. It’s not easy being in relationship especially if you have suffered any trauma. I have and I can say at 55 years old it still challenges me. It’s so much easier being alone and there are really beautiful perks and rewards of living with someone.
I have had to let go of many things that I just did without thinking when I lived by myself. Things that created a great deal of comfort and ease. I have had to look so deeply into my pain body while being in partnership, revealing myself in ways that simply didn’t exist by myself and testing my patience like never before. As I said it’s so easy living alone, these muscles never see the light of day or get challenged.
There is something so simple about living with just me. Even learning how to not talk so much, have more silent times while your partner is around can be difficult. When I was alone I spent alot of time not talking and when I did talk it was by choice. When you live with someone it’s alot tougher to be in the quiet because he wants to talk to me when I really don’t want anyone talking or I am talking to him maybe when I would have just been quiet with no one around. When I wanted to talk I picked up my phone and called someone. Now there is always someone around. I am learning how to let him know I don’t want to talk or I want a quiet space, he is also learning this. As he said I feel more called to talk when you are here even when I really don’t want to, wtf is that in us humans?
Now I tell my partner everything, I don’t hold back as I used to with men. I speak my truth and call out their truth as well. Sometimes I don’t like what he says and I have had to learn to deal with that. I have stopped trying to control him so that I am ok and feel safe. I speak my truth but first I process any control energy there. If he is being an ass and not listening to me I tell him. If I don’t like something he knows. I don’t want him getting any incorrect information about me. I am clear and honest with myself and therefore with him. He always knows where I stand in anything. This has taken many years of processing my trauma to get to the point where I am not afraid to lose him by sharing my truth. I have mastered being alone and so if I had to do that again I would happily move into that way of life. And being in partnership I know is making me the best human I can be, bringing those edges to the surface that would never float up. I believe mastering being alone has helped to support truth telling in my relationship. I am honored to be doing this work now and it is very tough, not for the feeble at heart!
The biggest piece for me is holding myself accountable to be the best person I can at any given moment. It’s easy to be nice alone, but bring another into your world with their ideas, trauma and triggers and it’s a whole other world. Then move in together, it gets even tighter and more challenging.
I know that I am becoming the best human being I can be because of this relationship. I have fine tuned so many areas of my emotional and feeling realm. Faced and still facing very vulnerable places that really if left would stay hidden. I am learning to take care of myself first while he is near or in my direct space. And the fine balancing of also giving and sharing without exhausting myself. A very tricky line to stay on. It is going to take more practice which is good to be in relationship to have that available to do. We love, care and respect each other very much, this is the glue.