I awoke and felt safe tucked away in my bed. Did my morning rituals before getting up and then got up as a friend is coming for an early morning visit. As I started getting ready I realized that I don’t want to be seen feeling the way I do right now! I watch my mind go off, all the thoughts and judgements around having social issues where extreme anxiety can show up. My practice these days is to be as honest about what I am experiencing as I possibly can. I wrote my friend and left him a voice message to express my raw vulnerable state I was in and not wanting to be seen. His words, “I am on my way!” This man is so dear to my heart, such a beautiful soul and so wanting to see all of me and especially the parts that don’t want to be seen.
He stepped thru the doorway and I said aloud, “please don’t look at me.” He came in responding, “ok I won’t look at you.” He proceeded to hang his coat up and walked towards me keeping his promise not to look at me. He arrived in front of me still looking away and I rested into his arms and began to cry. I have never felt that I couldn’t be all of who I am at any given moment with this friend. He welcomes all of me and gets especially excited when anger or something else arises that has potency.
We sat down and I proceeded to ask if I was the kind of friend who was always sad and in need of processing? He quickly answered “no!” And I said not everyone would be so receptive to me and the depth I travel, mentioning that men in particular aren’t really to interested in this side of me. His response, “well that is their great loss then isn’t it?” I proceed to share what is showing up for me, this tightness in my left chest area close to my heart. How uncomfortable I am in my body today. I notice my judgments around how I am feeling and making it wrong and something must be wrong with me. An old enemy visiting once again trying to bring me down. He listens with such authentic love for me and my process. I cry all the discomfort out and more shows up. We stay riding this wave of thought until I get so sick of myself and want to know about how he is. We switch over to him and it feels good to listen and be present to my friend who is always so present for me. I love hearing about his life. I listen with immense love and gratitude that I get to have these moments with him.
Today I awake and listen to this song sang by Sam Garrett
Connecting to such a deep and vast space of being in love. The song evokes heaven here within and so on this earth. After a day so challenging to experience such love. I am exhausted finding myself reaching into surrender and feeling and watching my resistance. I observe the resistance and trying to stop this ego sometimes feels so big I watch the worry that wants to arise also. I keep breathing and train myself to stay with the breath, release anything else that tries to interfere. Telling my thoughts, “this is not true.” I am going to go now and spend more time in my own company listening to Mooji, thank God for you!